Church Bulletin Bloopers

1. Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa".

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

4. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands."

5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

6. Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community.

7. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

13. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

20. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

21. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

22. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm - prayer and medication to follow.

24. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

25. This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

26. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

27. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use back door.

29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

31. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

32.The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

33. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

34. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

35. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

36. Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

37. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"

38. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

39. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

40. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

41. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

42. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

43. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

44. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

45. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

46. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

47. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

48. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

49. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

50. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

51. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

52. Ushers will eat latecomers.

53. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

54. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

55. Evening massage - 6 p.m.

56. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

57. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

58. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of this church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

59. Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed", accompanied by the Pastor.

60. Thursday at 5 p. m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet the pastor in the study.

61. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Brown to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

62. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

63. The Diet Club will meet Thursday night at 7:30 p. m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

64. A cookbook is being compiled by the ladies of the church. Please submit your favorite recipe, also a short antidote for it.

65. The senior pastor will be away for two weeks. The staff members during his absence you will find pinned to the church notice board.

66. Would the congregation kindly remember that the box marked 'For the Sick' is for financial contributions only.

67. The vicar is on holiday until the 27th. Local clergy will be celebrating on the Sundays when he is away.

68. Mr. Bradford was elected and has accepted the office of head deacon. We could not get a better man.

69. Are you 45 and getting nowhere? Why not consider the Christian ministry?

70. Services are at 11:00 and 6:30. Come early if you want a back seat.

71. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

72. Visitors are asked to sing their names at the church entrance.

73. Our young people are preparing the pizza dinner. It will be held in the perish hall.

74. The maintenance of the church graveyard is becoming increasingly costly. It would be a great help if parishioners would do their best to tend their own graves.

75.The Ladies Society will be selling their new cookbook at the church supper this Wednesday night. The proceeds will help purchase a stomach pump for our community hospital.

76. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

77. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice-cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

78. The service will close with Little Drop of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

79. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

80. The sermon this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH. The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD

81. The sermon this morning: GOSSIP . . . THE SPEAKING OF EVIL. The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY

82. The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES #3 . . . EUTHANASIA The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE

83. The sermon this morning: PREDESTINATION . . . WHAT ABOUT HELL? The closing song: I'LL GO WHERE YOU WANT ME TO GO

84. If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.

85. Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course. 8 p. m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

86. The Church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

87. We need volunteers for summer camp. There will be sinning and dancing.

88. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The Pastor will then speak on, "It's a Terrible Experience".

89. Bilingual Chicken Dinner this Sunday at Noon

90. The Gospel according to Luck

91. Sunday worship will begin with personal medication

92. Hymn: Immoral, Invisible

93. Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

94. Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.

95. We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

96. A worm welcome to all who have come today.

97. The ushers will come forward and take our ties and offerings.

98. Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.

99. Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

100. Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

101. Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."

102. Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

103. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

104. Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

105. Hymn Blooper: "All people that on earth do swell"

106. Sermon Blooper: "Let everything that hath breasts praise the Lord!"

107. The lady at the Bible Study was tearful and crying constantly. She also appeared to be depressed.

108. At the Ladies Liturgy Society this Thursday, Mrs. Smith will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

109. There is a sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be baptized on the table in the foyer.

110. Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary.

111. The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains.

112. We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

113. Volunteers are needed to spit up food for distribution following the Restaurant Supply Show at the Expo Center.

114. It's Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do.

115. The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

116. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the Church. Children will be Baptized at both ends.

117. Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

118. The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

119. Bulletin of a church with a rather elderly congregation: "Mr Brookes will be in the church foyer at the end of today's service. Transport can be provided if required."

120. Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

121. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

Stories From Different People

I was a church secretary for a year. Another secretary there was in charge of the bulletin, but she always had me proofread it for her. She swears that, when she was a secretary for another church, she let "Do You Like to Sin in the Shower?" get through to the real bulletin.

When I was the "maintenance guy" at my former church, I left a note attached to a receipt in the office for the secretary. Note read: "Van Battery died." The secretary was concerned that she didn't know this church member, and asked how she should announce his passing in the bulletin.

A nervous pastor preaching his first sermon. Instead of "God called me to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out the devil." what came out was, "God called me to heal the dead, cast out the sick, and raise the devil."

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gates of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."